Support: Parents Stories

My Problem, Not His

A few months after my teenage son came out to me, he got a speeding ticket and totaled a car within one week. And I spiraled downhill so fast, I RAN for help - for him! One visit to the psychologist for each of us left no doubt in her mind that he was fine, but I needed help. Life truly is full of surprises, and learning experiences. I learned a lot during the course of my counseling, very little of which had anything to do with my son.
One of the most important things I learned during that time was to stop assuming I had the answers, I knew the best way, I knew what was going on. Oh, but we, especially mothers, are trained and learn so well - by our family, our well-meaning friends, the church, and society. If we believe we have raised our children well, then there comes a time when we must really believe it and let our children show us that we have done our job.

My Sons

My two grown children, both boys, are also both gay. My love for my sons is unconditional, so learning they are gay has changed nothing in my relationship with them. However, it has changed me.
I would never have thought of myself as homophobic but I have no other explanation for my actions. Perhaps my story will alert people to just how insidious homophobia is.
When my older son came out to me at sixteen, it was a fairly easy step for us both, I believe. I had entertained the thought that Tony "might" be gay although at the same time I "thought" he had a steady girlfriend. In any case, his telling me about himself was not traumatic. I cried once I was alone but it was because I was so scared about AIDS - this was 1991. It didn't take long for me to learn gay and AIDS are not synonymous.
My younger son didn't come out to me and says he was not going to tell me until I asked. At seventeen I asked. I saw nothing about Nathan that would've made me consider the possibility that he is gay. Then a fellow started calling. My son was avoiding the calls, there was something about the guy's voice, and a light bulb went off. This time I cried a lot - because of what I had done to my child.
Nathan was growing up in a gay friendly home. He knew this and yet he stayed closeted. And he did this because of me. Once I learned about Tony, I transferred to Nathan all the ideas that had been planted in my head as a child about growing up - you know the ones…when you get married, when you have children, when you and your wife, etc.
Now I consider myself a tolerant person, open to new ideas, flexible in my thinking, slow to stereotype, and always looking at things positively rather than negatively. Yet, I fell into the trap. What was I thinking back then? Or was I just naïve?
What I do know is that I was homophobic - because even after knowing about my older son, I continued thinking oh-so traditionally. I never even considered the possibility that my younger son could be gay. When I began attending PFLAG meetings I did so believing our family defies the odds…two children, and both gay! I learned there that we aren't so unusual.
I have come to believe that this is the way homophobia is. Of course there is blatant homophobia, but there is also the insidious kind - the kind a loving, well-meaning parent can continue to carry without even realizing it.

The Pile

One of my favorite sayings is "If we all threw our worries into a pile, we'd be real quick to grab our own back out". I believe this. My worries are relatively few when I look at everything that goes on in this crazy world of ours, and when I see what goes on with many of my friends and acquaintances. This is especially true when it comes to their children. These parents are dealing with their daughters having children with no thought about the babies' fathers being in the picture or the finances involved; kids who are using, dealing and dying from drugs; and boys and girls who are dropping out of school, doing jail time, or having no direction for their lives. I honestly don't believe I could handle what they do, yet those parents would never trade places with me - because my sons are gay.
At times I worry about Tony and Nathan. However, it is not because they are gay, but rather because of what they may encounter because they are gay. My sons are responsible young men who contribute positively to society. They go to college, set goals for their futures, work at part-time jobs, and treat people as they want to be treated. I am a fortunate parent.
I find it strange that society, regular everyday people, are homophobic to the point that their children having children or their sons and daughters overdosing on drugs seems easier to understand and accept than a child who is not "straight". Yes, I definitely want my worries from the pile. In fact, I wouldn't even have any worries to throw in the pile if homophobia disappeared.